eternus

I had forgotten all about this image but as I waded through my drives recently we were reunited. It brings a peace to me.
The day I made the image it was dark, rainy and everything was sopping wet, including me. The air about me moved with such deep peace and tranquility that I became completely absorbed. I lost my thoughts and myself and I drifted away.

I love your cold nose on me

so there i was, getting fuzzy on wine, sitting on the couch talking on the phone with friends when I decided to call it a night and head to bed. I fell in and buried myself under my heavy quilt loving the weight pressing down on me and with a smothering contentment, I sighed a last sound and started to fall fast asleep. But then, my mind instead of finding quiet comfort, wandered in another direction.
Recently there have been so many goings-on in the local hood concerning our four legged friends. most recently there was the sad story of Shady Lane Kennels and the deplorable conditions in which over a hundred dogs were forced to live. and this week there was the controversial bill in the Montana house proposing a ban on pit-bulls. what bothered me about that bill was not the dogs, or the question of whether or not the ban would make our state safer or not, but the idiocy and backwoods thinking of some annonymous folks who emailed the representative who started the bill. they threatened and harrassed and said some pretty horrible things. I'm sure those same people aren't the ones who showed up at the capitol to go against the bill in proper order, those people weren't afraid to show their face and were there with real voices, unlike the anonymous hiding behind the late night glow of their computer screens. it's amazing how quickly some people can start grunting and throwing things, having a tantrum,,,,makes me believe that maybe evolution is the truth and we are derived from monkeys! anyway, I digress,,,,
All I know is that my heart is heavy for all the animals in bad places. I know, as I write this tonight at nearly 2 am there are pets out there in the below freezing cold and I wish so much that I could help, but where do you start?!! It's frustrating.
I really don't believe the penalties are harsh enough for owners who mistreat and I don't understand why. I was going to say that I'm sorry for going on about this, but, I'm not. I love animals and cannot stand seeing them hurt.
well, I feel a little better getting some of that off my chest, and tomorrow I know i will wake with a new reserve and I will find a way to make a difference.
In this moment, I want to wish a hug out to my friend Roni who lives in the Carolinas who just lost her best pal Lucky this past Monday. It was extremely hard for her and as I read her letter to me tonight I had tears on my cheeks. Lucky was 11 years and as I know Roni, she had a wonderful life, but it's still hard.
I have to say, now that I'm on my own, I do miss having my little buddies, Andrew, Chloe and Kota and it's hard, but I know that I can see them anytime and that they remember me when I stroll through the door. I even think of Miss Ava often, how could you not love her,,,,,plus, she keeps the backyard free of roaming lions.

I'm dreaming again,,,

of pathways and narrows wandered, oh, my beautiful Barcelona.

Snow, Snow, go away, come again another day!

It's not that I don't like the snow really, it's just that I'm not ten years old anymore and now, instead of building snow forts and attacking neighbors with my super-secret snowball formula, I'm shoveling and scraping and starting my car in minus fifteen degree weather while my skin blisters in the bitter wind.

Summer, my dear, please come back to me,,, at least let me dream of you whilst I slumber tonight,,,

Thank you,,,,

Just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who came out to my showing last night during the Christmas Stroll and Artwalk. I had some good conversations with many of you and I am humbled by all the great souls out there doing what they can for the world. When I have days where I feel I'm not doing enough or not feeling motivated, I will remember you for both the inspiration that you are and the motivation you have given me.

Memories from the Hacienda

Sitting here tonight, bundled in a new favorite blanket, a gift of recent, I find myself feeling the splinter's point of loneliness. I've come down a little from my Mexico high and I'm feeling a bit displaced. I'm floating in that 'dream state', where it all feels a little like wonder in my eyes. Memories seem to be traveling farther and getting faint and they cross over from my daydreams, until they become the dreams of my night's deepest sleep.

I always go through this whenever I get home from somewhere distant and especially more so when I've made and left new friends. The sweet of happiness that once was, is poured over by the emotions of ache and ever wanting more. Just as Tchaikovsky's Overture trumpets and sounds in my ears as I write and ponder, my heart beats quicker and faster in the fear of being left all alone, not being able to experience this again.  Even though I know that won't happen, and hasn't happened, I sometimes spend my days in that state.

As I take today for myself and slumber it away, there's a cold blowing Montana wind outside reminding me that I'm home, and I reminisce of the mexican sun streaking through the trees in the early morning and of peacocks strutting about the cobblestone walkways, wondering of us as we of them. My days in Mexico start with chili on my eggs, coffee to warm me up and good early conversations among my fellow workshop attendees. I love this.  I absorb it all.

And now, as I sit here in my bed, typing under the midnight oil, I look over and see the card from Jose sitting on my dresser, it's simple and beautiful. There is a picture of a burro on the front, a holga image of his, and every morning when I awake, I see it there and am reminded of my adventure in Mexico and know that no matter what, I'm not really alone and that I will see my new friends again.  I thank everyone who was a part of this experience and thank you for making my life's adventure that much more precious.

Adios

Well, well, well. As I sit here in the library at the Hacienda I am relishing the memories and friends that were made over the last few days. And while they are all gone now and it's pretty quiet here, I think of this great experience and still feel them around me. Everyone touched me and I will never forget you. In an upcoming post I will let you all meet my new BFFs :)
I'm tired and going to bed,,,, buenas noches.

Amiga

Today was the last day of the Jose Villa Workshop and as we get ready for dinner I find myself feeling pretty lucky to have been able to hang out with the greatest group of people from all over the last few days.
We officially ended this afternoon and before dinner tonight three of us took a quick sunset walk around the village just a stones throw away. I shot both of these images just about an hour ago as the light faded. Tomorrow I'll be spending most of the day alone as everyone else is heading back to the states. I'll be venturing out on my own, my plan is, for most of the day, looking for more friendly faces like this beautiful lady I met this evening.

Portland or Bust

Tonight I had a quick but good conversation with a longtime friend and fellow photographer. He has decided to close up shop, sell his house and head west towards his roots. He actually told me this a few weeks ago but we hadn't had the chance to talk much since then. When I first moved to Billings years ago, he was the guy who printed my images and I also learned a lot through our weekly conversations when I visited his shop. I hate to see him go but I know he'll enjoy shooting for himself again and like me, he just hasn't had much of that time lately. I am reminded of this image when I chat with him and his journey ahead. I shot it on a trip with Amy down the coast almost two years ago.

Take care Ragnar! We'll all miss ya'!

And if you want to move to Billings, his house is up for sale and it's beautiful! Check it out!

And there I am

I sometimes forget how simple pleasures can bring back the soul. I'm not talking about those daily delights, such as seeing the apple logo pop up on my screen or late night Seinfeld episodes to forget the day away, but more of those quiet connecting spots in time. With a warm numbing across my body, it's a high of sorts, one that I always welcome. I feel absolute and assured in those moments and not a wicked hair could tangle my peace. I forget the world outside my mind and care for only the moment.

One of these times came to me recently as I followed Sara and Mandy as they fished the Nowood creek in Northern Wyoming. Between cliffs of red clay and thick valleys of green they fished, and I explored. As soon as my feet dipped into the cool clear tumbling waters of the Nowood and I saw the lean of tall summer grasses, I felt it, that moment. There was a sensation, a transition, a realization, a connection that this was good, way good for my soul. And even though I followed along the banks with them, I was on my own, and at times I drifted farther away, apart, out of sight, to be alone, where I found small pockets of bliss for my own private delight. I absorbed the textures all around me; fallen and splintered trees, worn river stones and spider webs that dangled in the shade. I listened to the quiet crashing of leaves in the breeze and watched as cotton floated down to earth in the slanted golden evening sun. My fingers were light and my steps were sure. It was unforgettable.

We only spent about an hour in the creek, wading and wandering, so I feel I missed a lot as we quickened our pace back to a bbq waiting for us. I could've spent days drifting the curves and straits of the creek and maybe later I'll get back there, but for now I try to bring back the spirit of the Nowood to my sleeping thoughts. I walk along, forever in heaven, where fish dance in the shallows, water bugs zip the ripples and if I look close enough, my own reflection smiles and nods back at me.

A letter to me

NOTE: THIS POST, WHICH HAS BEEN WRITTEN OVER TIME AND WHICH WILL CONTINUE IN PARTS, HAS BEEN ESPECIALLY HARD TO WRITE AND WHILE I THOUGHT OF NOT EVER SHARING IT, I NOW THINK IT MAY HELP ME, BY OPENLY EXPRESSING IT. IT IS ABOUT A LETTER I RECEIVED A YEAR AGO.


The letter

It starts simply,,, with two words,,, "Hey babe," and just like that, I'm a train-wreck. I sit sobbing uncontrollably and I drop the letter to the table in front of me. My balance loses me and I push myself back on the couch. I press my palms hard into my face and eyes and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing. The smell of crying is in my nose and it burns and suffocates me. I will have to wait hours before I can pick it up again and try to continue. How simple the words, yet how powerful, how wonderful.

It was just over a year ago that I received this letter. It has been with me for all that time and yet tonight I have only opened it to read. For the last week it has been sitting, slightly hidden, next to that girl with a pearl earing,,,,it seems safe there. It has been an especially thought consuming and cautious journey to this night and already I am having the difficulties I had hoped I wouldn't. In trying to find the right place and time, I have taken this letter with me everywhere. On road trips to nowhere I have stowed it, hoping that when I got there, wherever that was, I'd be able to peel it open and read it. It's been with me to bars, hotels, and even some of my weddings. I've carried it hoping I would find that right moment in the right place where the strength would present itself to open it without complications. Alone, at first I thought, would be best, then no,,,,it should be best carried out in the presence of so many people I don't know that I would have to control myself. I would, in front of so many strangers, act as if I didn't care, and I would fool the letter, and it couldn't betray me. Yeah, well that never happened either. It has become a part of me and I of it. But, now at this point in my life I must take it in my hand and read it so that I can continue on. Without regrets and questions and for those who are especially close with me, including my love, I must put this at point. It is not fair that I hold all my attention here and not where it needs to be.

I sit staring down at the beautiful handscript written across 4 pages of heavy thick paper and I try to focus and begin again. I follow with my fingers the edge of the paper and try to steady my breathing, to sort my thoughts. It takes me a while and a deep breath. When I start again I only make it a few paragraphs before setting it down. This is going to be much harder than ever I thought.

I can see her standing there, in front of me, the author of this letter. Her dark hair curling down around her face, past her dimples and the corners of her mouth, and I can feel the warmth in her dark brown eyes as she closes the door behind her to the snow flying about just outside. She's just getting home from work; she smiles as she pulls off her coat and her cheeks are pink from the cold, and I can smell her. The light scent of Sunflowers, her favorite perfume, mixed with the cold air she's brought in with her. You know the smell of your love ~ the smell of their skin. I could smell her when I read those two words.

It was over thirteen years ago that I fell deeply in love with her. Not my first love, but my first true love. A love that takes you away from yourself.
And now, I have this great task at hand, and to pursue a thought of anything else, at this very moment, seems absurd to me. I will finish this tonight, through great anxiety or not. I continue down each line and with each word, a slight whisper of her voice comes over my own. Towards the bottom narrows of the first page, where her writing seems to get smaller, I feel her breath on my ears and I frighten myself when I briefly imagine her touching my arm. Ok,, Ok,, Ok,, Ok,, I repeat. I'm too emotional for this right now, way too fuckin' emotional. I set it down and wait for another hour. I go to bed and try to gather myself.


a continuation of this soon...

Dinner Break

Had kind of a slow day today as far as following the kids around. They had the afternoon off and so we all took siestas.
Tonight Scott, Steven, Corey and I headed downtown for dinner at a Crepe place, forgot the biz-card so I can't link it right now and we actually got the scoop on this place by taking the advice from Ryan Air, and it was awesome, probably the best food yet I've eaten while on this trip. I've decided that I'm just going to have to do a food post later when I get back as I have so many food shots :)
In the meantime, we took our time getting back wandering alleys and uncharted cobblestone streets. As I once again write from the Cathedral steps, with Scott blogging right next to me, bats twitter and squeak above us in the street lights and a cool breeze dances around us. This is pretty cool. Oh, and the bells from the Cathedral just rang! Here are some shots from our walk home tonight. Until tomorrow!

We're going to Spain

today, today, today,,,,,

what can i say, it was an interesting day to say the least and we did so much but also not so much and now as I write this I have this weird odd feeling about me and I can’t figure it out. I think I may be missing the gals at On the Hoof already! Those lovely ladies started the day out in true-fashion by treating Scott and I to breakfast and let me tell you,,,was it ever-delicious and ever so good for the soul. Today they recommended the Big Egg Omelet which sounded pretty tasty so we both went for it. And yes, we covered it with brown sauce again, mmmm-yeaaahhhh.
Debbie, the owner, told us a few stories for the road and even offered to take us to Blenham, a nearby village if we were going to have time. It turns out we didn’t but that just gives me another reason to come back,,actually as I look at my notebook, it’s reason number 47.



After breakfast, Kevin, Steven, Corey, Kris, Scott and myself went down to a local market, nothing to fancy or unique enough to really garner my full attention, but interesting nonetheless. Scott was told a few times to not film but one fella who was sellin’ goods made fun by yelling out, “Sorry, no time for interviews today, too busy, sorry, no time for interviews!” Smiles all around.

Our next stop brought us to Christ Church where more of Harry Potter was filmed and where beauty and magnificence stands in grand form. It was quite astonishing. We didn’t even go inside as we were on a schedule but just from the outside you knew there was something incredible waiting inside for visitors. Scott and I spent a little extra time here filming and shooting. It was a pretty cloudy day but I knew if I could catch a break in the cover the front of the church would probably just glow against the background. And after about twenty minutes, there is was, only for an instant, so I feverishly snapped away altering my position here and there, lowering myself, watching the foreground, clicking. Whatcha’ think? I know some purists out there will say, oh, but the building is leaning, fix the perspective! I say, eh, I don’t care,,,it’s my image and I prefer it this way. I think the lean in this image lends to the enormity of the structure. Massive and powerful.




Iffley Church was our next and final stop this morning before heading back to the house.
It’s another old church yet it’s still used today for services. Worn, aging and unreadable gravestones lean forwards and backwards, some almost in their reach touching the grassy lawn surrounding them. Light colored mosses fill thin cracks and lichen tops most stones in uneven yet beautiful patterns. As I pass through the south side lawn, heavy somewhat dewy grasses pad my steps and I feel an incredible sense of peace; there’s a push on my chest and I breathe deeply. My head loses itself in a slight dizzy and my fingers go numb. I could have lied on my back right there in the afternoon light in those grasses and slept, I felt so at ease. I’ve experienced this feeling before but only a handful of times and in some of the oddest places in my travels. Can’t really explain it but I can only assume that there is something at work that just envelopes me. I’m sure it’s a combination of elements all lending together, maybe not, maybe it was my blood pressure dropping, who knows. I want to believe it’s more.

We headed back to the house where we had about 20 minutes to tidy up our things for our drive to the airport where we would catch our flight to Spain. I think I slept most of the hour and a half drive because the sun coming through the window onto my face, it felt good, couldn’t help it.
We didn’t fly out of Heathrow as we used a smaller carrier where tickets can be had for literally five bucks a person for travel to anywhere in Europe. We even discussed on the way up there that they must have some great way of generating dollars since they were so cheap. We were soon about to find out......
So, when flying out with Ryan Air, you can only have 15kg weight in checked luggage and for carry on, I believe, it was 10kg. Well, my camera bag weighed in at about 16kg.
I already knew my checked wouldn’t make weight and was ready to accept that and I thought for carry-on you’d be able to just pay extra fees and still be allowed to take it-well, we we’re wrong. We had to get our bag down to weight and we were only allowed one carry on. What the hell am I going to do with my gear???!!!!! I admit, I started to freak a little-I mean after all, I did have two cameras, about four very expensive lenses, a portable harddrive with all my images from the trip, miscellaneous cables that were needed and my macbook pro. I thought, I can’t check any of this!! Scott was in the same situation and many of us found that we were all overweight in our checked. So, with just a few minutes to get back in line to check in we picked an open spot on the floor near the scale, splayed out all our cases and were shifting gear from here to there, borrowing spots in others’ bags and trying to figure out what was expendable in case something did happen with our checked luggage. I said goodbye to my 35L f1.4 and some other odds and ends and stuffed them in my checked bag, burying them deeply amidst my rolled pants and folded shirts. I got my camera bag down to 12kg but without the notebook stuffed in I came in at just about 9.65kgs. I was going to have to make this work, I was not going to check my Mac. We all got in line and made our way through and my checked became fatter at weigh in and the extra charge for that was £129 or about $230! Ouch! The gal working the tickets never asked to weigh my carry on again but just asked if I had reduced the weight, which I had, and so there were no worries there, you can’t even begin to realize how relieved I was. When it was all said and done, I heard from someone that by the time we paid all the extra fees in our over-weighted bags we could’ve just bought tickets at a regular airline. Oh well, lessons learned.

We arrived in Girona a couple hours later and after a taxi ride we found ourselves in our hotel. Three of us are sharing what is like a little apartment, complete with kitchen separate bedrooms, living room and dining area. The only thing we realized is that internet was not available in the room and we had to go down to the lobby to hook up, hence no post tonight (last night by the time I’m actually posting this) sorry!
After a quick freshen we all met and walked down to a local cafe for a late night dinner.
We feasted on variety of entrées which included rabbit, melon, paella, sausage, rice and an awesome Catalan bean dish. We brought the day to a close with a leisurely walk through the historic district in which we are staying.
Right at midnight we found ourselves on the steps of St. Peter's Cathedral where as the bells rung I felt a loosening on my shoulder and before I knew what had happened, my camera slipped away from me and smacked to the ground. I picked it up and inspected it and found that the lens had taken the brunt of the fall. A strap had loosened and come loose but everything seems to be working fine, yes!




Today I skipped on early morning coffee and slept in a bit. Since the kids won't be getting in until late tonight we kind of have a day to do whatever, some personal time. Around noon, I think, I stretched out and rubbed my eyes awake. I awoke to spanish laughter on the street below my window and a gal cleaning house right around me as I woke,,,"Buenas Dias." I showere and got myself ready for some exploring. I just have to finish writing this first. See you later and I hope everyone back home is doing good!